warning: this blog is offensive

In the beginning, it is always dark

2006-06-13T17:25:00.000-07:00

"Lines Of My Earth"
by Matt Slocum

The lines of my earth, so brittle, unfertile, and ready to die.
I need a drink, but the well has run dry.
And we in the habit of saying the same things all over again,
For the money we shall make.

This is the last song that I write
'Til you tell me otherwise.
And it's because I just don't feel it.
This is the last song that I write
'Til you tell me otherwise.
And it's because I just don't feel it anymore.

It should be our time. This fertile youth's black soil is ready for rain.
The harvest is nigh, but the well has gone dry.
And they in the habit of saying the same things all over again,
about the money we shall make.

This is the last song that I write
'Til you tell me otherwise.
And it's because I just don't feel it.
This is the last song that I write
'Til you tell me otherwise.
And it's because I just don't feel it anymore.

Keeping this blog up to date hasn't exactly been on my list of priorities lately so I'm temporarily permanently taking a break. I don't know what that means any more than you. For a long time now I've been kicking around the idea of getting some of my writing friends together to make a more interesting website but having not been able to find a friend that would like to build the site for us I don't see that happening anytime soon. If I can find that then maybe anyone out there that really looks at this will get the chance to enjoy my senseless writers along with some of my personal favorite senseless writers. We'll see... and if you find someone send them my way. I do hope to update my graphic site soon as I have a new series in the works. Anyway, until I find a web site or change my mind...

----

Mrs. White: We had had a very humiliating public confrontation, he was deranged... lunatic. He didn't actually seem to like me very much, he had threatened to kill me in public.
Miss Scarlet: Why would he want to kill you in public?
Wadsworth: I think she meant he threatened, in public, to kill her.
Miss Scarlet: Oh. And was that his final word on the matter?
Mrs. White: Being killed is pretty final, wouldn't you say?

stapler

2006-05-16T15:10:00.000-07:00

ok so you know that second setting on staplers? the one you never use. well, it's been bugging me so I thought I'd look into why this little useless option is put on every stapler. so, if you'd like to know the answer. Here ya go.

THE SECRET

evil buick, evil rodendendron

2006-05-09T10:18:00.000-07:00

so, my car is now dead.

(not my car but one like it)

For those of you that have been on post-bundra trips when the trunk no longer works, you'll know that this is not the worset thing that could have happoned. And not unexpected. Still, bad timing since I've just got the breaks fixed, new tires, and switched to California tags. Another wrods, I've spent more money in the last three months on this thing then I could possibly get out of it now. But... being without a car has led to a few interesting things. First, to sucure I ride to work I stayed with a friend on Thursday night. That was a nice, but then he couldn't take me home Friday so I had to get my brother to pick me up... who also didn't take me home but that's ok. When all is said and done I didn't get home until Sunday late morning. While this wasn't what I'd planned it was fun. Also, lead to my introduction to Dublin Dr. Pepper.

And that is why I'm writing this blug. Josh Rodreges took Moth and me to a nice soda shop he'd found that has the oringinal formula for Dr. Pepper. AKA cane sugar instead of high fructose corn syrup.

(the face of evil)

Why high fructose corn syrup has come to dominiate the soda market (in America that is, everywhere else cane surgar still rules) is not what I want to get into. Let's just say it has to do with goverment taxes and importing and all that fun stuff. Bottom line is, it sucks. It does not taste good. That's why if you take a trip to Mexico soda tastes better. It's not because it's any sweeter, it's because they use real surgar. So how do we stop this evil invasion of high fructose corn syrup? I really don't have a clue, but I think Anna knows so ask her here.

BRICK

2006-04-19T08:35:00.000-07:00

I was recently blown away by this film. Although it maybe be difficult for those of you not in LA to see this film. I'd highly suggest keeping your eye out for it for a number of reasons. One: It's freaking awesome. Two: it's very important to support independent filmmakers. Why? Because I'm going to be one. Ok, and also we don't want a media that is controlled by a few rich "business men." We need an independent voice and to keep it we have to support the films that aren't back by multi-billion dollar establishments. If we fail to do this we'll be left with "films," or products as some studio executives call them, that are designed to appeal to the lowest common denominator. That's why the same sludge keeps gracing our theaters year after year. Three: This is right in line with two, but I'm hoping to have an independent film coming out within the next few years. Ambitious, yes. But I'm not one to set easy goals. All things said, independent films are doing fairly well these days. That is, better than they used to. If you start making a habit of looking for independent films now, and telling everyone you know to see them... rag them, bribe them, trick them, whatever... if you start now, maybe more people will spread the word and they'll be a demand for independent films. Then... well, we all win.

Last Quick note on other film to check out:

Thank You For Smoking

On DVD: Capote, Crash

what's next?

2006-04-04T09:20:00.000-07:00

So, for those of you who don't know, I finish dreamworks this month. So, first studio job done. If you want to know more about that just call me. I'd love to talk to you guys, especially ones I haven't heard from in a while.

Anyway, so pessimism. In case you're wondering, no I have not left behind my stupidly optimistic frame of mine in favor for pessimism (or as Moth likes to call it, "realistic optimism"). No, I'm counting on my dumb luck to make me one of those few that the lighting misses in favor of a nice sapling or kitten. Anyway, so I've learned a lot from these last almost 6 months.

First and foremost God has a hand in what's going on.

Second, you're only as good as the people around you. I don't want to go into this one too much, since this is kind of a written record and I think it would compromise my contract. But suffice it to say, a film can't be made without a solid team that's just as committed and insane as you.

Third, Hollywood doesn't want you to make it. You might have to do it yourself. I might go into this one more later but for now I'll just say, I think I need to really start working towards making my own films. Don't know how yet but I'll figure it out.

Right now, I'm looking at the next stretch as my time for building a team. It's starting to form, and that's exciting. I'm not sure where this is all headed but I'm starting to see a little more silver.

Anyway, in other news. I've been getting a little frustrated with the masses lately. Then I remembered this quote.

"They can be a great people, Kal-El, they wish to be. They only lack the light to show the way. For this reason above all, their capacity for good, I have sent them you... my only son."

Not that I'm a big fan of superman, but it's a good thought. Obvious parallels of course so I won't bother pointing them out.

so, what's next? I have no feakin' clue. But that won't stop me from pushing ahead.

white trash transexual dilemmas

2006-03-29T09:51:00.000-08:00

well, I do really have some great stuff to talk about. But I'll just leave you with one small story.

DreamWorks seems to be a little over PC. Anything that might offend anyone (even if they deserve it) is off limits. It used to be alright to make fun of white trash but a few weeks ago at lunch a co-worker said something derogatory about white trash people then caught my eye. In that awkward moment I could tell everyone was thinking the same thing "Oh $#!%, Micah's white trash, we shouldn't make fun of him." then in the next moment thinking "Oh %#@&, don't let him know we think he's white trash." Since that fateful day no one makes fun of white trash.

So, the story. I'm in an elevator this last Friday. It was warm so I had on rainbows (yeah, I went to pepperdine, I sold out, I have rainbows). This middle aged, pleasant woman gets in next to me in her high heals. I don't know what kind, I've never really had the need to know the kinds of high heals but these were very high. So, being a pleasant woman she starts making conversation about how she wishes she was wearing flip flops like me. Then I say, "Yeah, don't think I'd want to being were those (in reference to her heals)." and she says, "Well, you might look kind of funny in them." and then quickly adds, "I mean, because they wouldn't match your shirt." Door opens she scurries out and I realize she's afraid that I might be offended by that. And maybe on the off chance that I had been a weekend cross dresser maybe I would have. But come on. What kind of world do we live in where we can't make off hand comments about guys not looking good in women's clothing?

Well I say %#@& PC. Make fun of me because I look white trash. Tell me all slavs are lazy, useless wastes of oxygen. PC just needs to die. Now. Thank you.

so, hopefully I'll get the good stuff to you soon.

devil dog

2006-03-09T09:49:00.000-08:00

this never should have happened.

Not only is this remake completely unnecessary, this poster is the freakiest thing man has ever laid eyes on. It's true, I took a poll. 100% of people think that tim allen's eyes on a sheep dog terrifies them more than Barbara Walters and Oprah in a turkish bath with Carrot Top.

Maybe even more than clowns.

Also check this out:

http://www.cowabduction.com/

It's a real problem. We must do something.

Life's Tough Questions #1

2006-03-02T08:34:00.000-08:00

How do you tell a girl, "Ever time I see whipped cream I think of you"?

beavers and t-rex

2006-02-23T22:02:00.000-08:00

Breaking news from Reuters...

"A creature that looked like a beaver, right down to its flat paddle-like tail and webbed feet, lived 164 million years ago alongside dinosaurs, U.S. and Chinese researchers reported on Thursday."

huh, why'm I not surprised? Oh yeah, now I remember.

and that's not why. just liked the picture. but this gets me thinking. what won't a parent place their small child on and run off to take a cute picture not thinking at all about how amazingly freaking stupid it is to leave their small child that can't even stand for more then three minutes on a slick tall green baby killer. almost as bad as when a baby sitter left me standing on a desk and left the room to... do God knows what so I could fall off and gash the back of my head open and scar me for life. (pretty cool scar though) I just hope that poor little girl didn't end up dead at the feet of the but ugly dino. Although, then she'd be spared the embarrassment of having a picture of her sitting on a dinosaur in a lame dress posted all over the internet.

Also, happy birthday Luke Simpson.

V-Day

2006-02-15T15:52:00.000-08:00

not too fond of V-day. Had to give 35 valentines day cards to co-works, half of whom I don't even know. This was my first thought but I ended up editing it based on... you'll see.

By the way, my first thought was to find just some creepy little cupid pic on google and give that out. My searching led me to a very... odd cupid. In fact, it's just shady enough that I'm not going to post it on my site, but in case you're curious to see where I draw the line on what I'll post on my blog, here's the link. WARNING DON'T CLICK until you're sure you want to see it.
http://www.babygorilla.com/warehouse/art/oldportfolio/cupid/cupid.html
See? By the way, if you click on the images they get bigger. Kind of funny, in a warped sort of way.

toad

2006-02-10T08:37:00.000-08:00

I'd explain this but I don't have the time so if you'd like to know why this woman is under a bookshelf then please just head on over to my good friend Taylor's blog and he can give you the run down.
here
and then see some more images:
here
I'll be writing about it later but that'll do for now.

December was a long year

2006-01-28T17:09:00.000-08:00

December was an interesting month. I don’t know why I didn’t write about any of it at the time but, well, I didn’t. But here are two stories I’d thought I’d share with you. As all of you know (Unless you don’t know me, and if you don’t, why are you reading this? You should be out getting a life.) so as I was saying, as you all know I live in LA. Recently, ok about a month ago, I was reminded of that. Twice in one week in fact.

Story #1.

I’m in target. I don’t remember why, but I was. Anyway, I get stuck in line behind two women and a little girl who think it’s their responsibility to push their cart right down the middle of the aisle so no one can get around. Very considerate of them really, wouldn’t want someone to walk to fast in Target with all those crazed moms on cell phones not looking who they’re running into. So at first this all doesn’t seem to strange, then I hear on of the women say, “Ok, honey, lets go get the Hanukkah lights.”

So, that’s odd. Don’t think I’ve ever seen people shopping for Hanukkah lights. Didn’t even know they made them (I latter checked, no, Target doesn’t make Hanukkah lights.) But then I noticed something even stranger. As they continue to talk about their Hanukkah plans (I wasn’t eavesdropping they just would let me get past them) I realized that not only were these women Jewish but also lesbians. So this will now go down in history as the first time I saw a lesbian Jewish couple taking their daughter Hanukkah light shopping.

Story #2.

Kidnap my children stickers have become all the rage in LA. You might be familiar with them. There those stickers of little people that parents like to put on their SUVs with labels like “Mommy,’ “Daddy,” “Jo-Jo,” and “Cindy Lu” under them.

Very helpful if you wanted to convince a little kid you were a friend and not a perverted psycho that’s out on parole. Anyway, so a day or so after the Target incident, I’m on my way back from taking my beloved little brother to the airport and I come up behind a nice SUV with kidnap my children stickers on it. Then, as I look closer I realized that this wasn’t a mommy, daddy, and kids. This was mommy, mommy and four doggies. Kidnap my pet stickers.

Anyway, sorry for the blurry image but I was going about 50 when I took this on full zoom.

I'll now leave you with a nice picture of my sister Zaneta enjoying our sledding outing over Christmas break (or is that Hanukkah break?)

Kontroll

2006-01-21T14:55:00.000-08:00

It takes quite a bit to get me to recommend a foreign film. As a rule, I generally avoid them. When I go to see a movie I want to see it not spend two horse speed reading and occasionally steeling glances at whatever the heck is going on above those subtitles. But then there is the problem of Hollywood. I'm really getting sick of the stuff they've been putting out (it's probably not because they're putting out more crap then before but because I now see somewhere around four times as many movies as I used to). After studying film, writing screenplays and now working on films you get to the point where you know the formulas in and out so well you're always one step a head of the movie. (or in the case of movies like Remember the Titans or the Village a few hundred steps ahead) So for better or worse now I've begun digging around to find any film that does the unexpected. And that's where I found Kontroll (this is not spelled wrong to be cool, this is Hungarian). It's strange, odd passing, beautifully shot, well acted, and never does what you think it's going to. So, if you're in the mood for something a little off the path check it out. I will warn you some of it does move slow and this isn't Hollywood so the end might not play out like you'd hope. Oh yeah, and Hungarian is a nice sounding language so it won't give you a head ache like Chinese movies do.

Last off, I guess I should thank Adam Ebert for forcing me to watch foreign films with him. That's how a discovered one of my favorite movies of all time "City of God," and began my exploration of the foreign market. Other subtitled films I'd recommend:

Brother Hood of the Wolf
Maria Full of Grace
City of God (yeah said that already but it's worth saying again)
The Passion of Christ (ok, so it's American, but you still have to read)
Night Watch (comes out in Feb, haven't seen it yet but it looks amazing)

That's it for now. I have some great pictures to share with all you soon but I'm at work and can't upload them from here. Also: I am in need of a web designer (that works for free). Have a new project I'd like to undertake and can't do it on my own. So if you want to design a website but don't have any good content, tell me.

Movies 2005

2006-01-03T09:23:00.000-08:00

Ok, so mostly for my own benefit I've compiled a list of my best and worst movies of 2005. Now, this isn't a complete list because I've probably forgotten something I've seen that should be on here. I'll probably re-visit the worst list very soon.

First off the top movies of 2005:

1. Munich
1. Batman Begins (tie)

3. The Constant Gardener
4. King Kong
4. Crash (tie)
6. Good Night, and Good Luck.
7. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
8. Sky High
9. War of the Worlds
10. Serenity

Good movies, but not top ten worthy.

Lords of Dogtown

The Jacket
Sin City
Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe
Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
The Interpreter
Mr. & Mrs. Smith
Flightplan
The Brothers Grimm
Constantine
Kingdom of Heaven

And, while I'm sure there were worse film this year, this are the worst one's I've had the pleasure of seeing.

Fantastic Four
The Island
Madagascar
The Longest Yard
Kicking & Screaming

And to round out my list here are some films that I've missed but from what I've heard should be worth seeing. Once I see them they may make it onto my top films of the year.

Walk the Line
Syriana
Capote
Kiss Kiss Bang Bang
Hooligans
Everything Is Illuminated
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
Lord of War
The Exorcism of Emily Rose

Geisha

2005-12-23T10:04:00.000-08:00

So I'm supposed to talk about geisha. Oddly enough, I really do have quite a bit I could say about that and have been meaning to for quite some time. I was going to go on about how the new movie about the blue eyed geisha is just another in a long line of films proving Hollywood has no idea how to cast the correct ethnicity in a film. Apparently they cast three Chinese women in the staring Japanese rolls... But this is coming from Hollywood, who were once known for casting white men as Indians, James Earl Jones as a white man, a man in black face as Othello and Tom Cruise as Irish. Anyway, that's what I would talk about but I don't really feel like it...

next up

2005-12-01T08:56:00.000-08:00

ok, someone said I seem to have a story for any topic that happens to come up (ex. talk about Vegas, I'll tell you about the time I was stuck in traffic for six hours while taking three high school students I didn't know [and who's parents didn't know where they were] to Vegas. Ask about celebraty incounters and I'll tell you about the time I saw Mulder... actually I probably shouldn't tell you about that one.)

So, to test this I just want someone to give me a comment with a randumb (sorry, the show completely ruind any chance I have of ever spelling that word correctly again) topic and for my next blog I will write about that.

a mini epic

2005-11-26T23:46:00.000-08:00

There’s a problem about getting a job, makes less time for blogging. Guess that’s an acceptable problem though. Anyway, so I’m a little behind in odd stories so this will be a quick and dirty rundown of my last few weeks (well, not the important stuff like what the heck I do at work and all that, I’ll tell you that later, not on this).

Ok, so first things first. Some of you may know I have a problem with my trunk. (yeah, remember that?) About a year ago a Bundra managed to break it and since then it’s been a little temperamental. Well, I finally found the problem… and created another.

So my good friend Taylor Diesel and I were camping the other weekend.

Good time all around but started out a little odd. You see, my trunk likes to not open sometimes. It decided today would be a good day. Now I’m all for letting it have it’s fun and all but not only was our tent and sleeping bags in there, so was our beer. So we couldn’t just let it stay shut now could we? Anyway, being the ingenious guy Taylor is, he helps me find a way to pull the back of the seat off.

We get most of the crap out and then I climb in through the small opening to find out what the heck is wrong (now oddly enough this is the second time this day I’ve had to squeeze through a hole not intended for people. Earlier I locked myself out of the house before work and had to break in threw a window in my bathroom that’s a good 6 feet above the ground, barely big enough for me to fit through, and leads you above the shower onto an aluminum shower rod. Not safe, very painful, I’m glad no one saw me and called the cops). Anyway, so I’m in the trunk and after messing round with the lock a find this button.

Apparently this button on the locking mechanism disables the key entry. Now this would be useful if you were ever stuck in the trunk and didn’t want anyone to get you out, but as I don’t plan on hiding in the trunk if someone’s trying to kill me, this is pretty much the dumbest feature I’ve ever heard of on a car. It’s also important to note that my trunk doesn’t have a safety release, so if I did hid in my trunk, not only won’t anyone be able to get me out, I won’t be able to let myself out either.

Luckly, this button is very hard to get to and the only reason it got hit is because I put a sleeping bag next to the lock and it shoved itself up into the hole the button is located in. So now I know how to avoid this happening again, I just need to figure out how to get my car seat back on.

I was going to tell you about a tiny little cashier at Fry’s that was to small to reach the barcode on a box she needed to scan but since this is already feakin’ long I’ll leave you with this unique street sign I ran across.

I’ve been driving past this on my way to work for the last few weeks and I’m sure I’ve never seen anything like it. It’s officially my second favorite sign now. (Second only to the Mexican Family Fleeing sign at the Tijuana border. If you’ve seen it you know what I mean.) Now, my first thought was this must be a teeter totter crossing but I’ve yet to any teeter totters anywhere near this sign I’m beginning to think I guessed wrong. But as I tried to figure this all out I got a little distracted by another sign right across the street.

Yup, you read that right. I didn’t even know this was acceptable in California, I mean maybe back home or in Texas yeah, but LA? I mean, where are they going to take them? And really, they aren’t doing a very good job, sure this isn’t San Francisco, but with a business like this going on, you’d expect to find a lot less of them. Anyway, maybe I’ll stop by and see how it all works someday… maybe.

“The Blinding Fire”

2005-11-10T21:26:00.000-08:00

Can you hear this prayer
It’s been too long to tell
My words could loose their way

Isn’t it enough
That I still believe
The sun will also rise
Shadows never win

I want to see the parting sky
Hear the thunder’s wings
This fleeting darkness dies
Fear fades behind
Watch it burn to day

You see, I still believe
I just lack the faith to stand
So strip off the apathy
Replace these feeble hands
Skin the filth away
So nothing flesh remains

Life, this fleeting darkness, dies
Watch it burn to day
Until only You remain

"What is blinding, suffocating fire to you, is now cool light to him, is clarity itself, and wears the form of a Man." - Screwtape

I Have A Job

2005-10-20T17:49:00.000-07:00

The Hillbilly Wars Part II

2005-10-17T11:22:00.000-07:00

Good old Joe found it necessary to spotlight himself with his mag light, "I’m a bad Mother Fer and I’m going to kill… that…" His last words were drown out by the sound of his shuffling feet. Joe Brick couldn’t really stand still for more then a few moments at a time. Probably would pass out into a week long coma if he did.

If you have not yet read part i, it was directly below. I suggest reading that first or nothing wonderful can come of the story. (I also suggest you watch some version of A Christmas Carol at some point because even though I don’t care for it, it’s very quotable)

So, last time I left you with Joe Brick stumbling off into the dark, hopefully to pass out next to a tree and spend the night being a living playground for the neighborhood monkeys. But life isn’t that easy is it? You never have exact change at tollbooths, cops magically appear when you’re later, and drunk, murderous hillbillies just don’t know when to pass out.

So, just when the night couldn’t get any… stranger… four shadows loom out of the darkness. Make the five, the fifth being a pit bull. A nice big one. Oh yes, and one has either an ungodly long arm or he’s dragging a very large club.

“Where’s crazy Joe? Are guys with him?”

We quick to assure our new friends we have nothing to do with Joe. As the four enter the fire light we get a good look at them. Two we’ve seen before, Mark and his wife. (If you remember, Mark was the drunk guy at the hot springs with a broken arm. Now his arm broke in a Harley accident). Mark’s dragging a large stick… no branch is a better word… in his one good arm while his wife half holds him back, half eggs him on. Now sure that we are in no way associated with good old Brick man, are would be bludgeoners (yes, I think I made that word up) became much more friendly and even invited us to have shots and breakfast with them. The second man (the one with the pit bull) was much more sober and assured us they had plenty of hard liquor to share with us. The one hitch seemed to be we needed to help them kill Joe Brick first. I think. It was a little hard to tell what the others were saying while drunk Mark and his wife yelled into the dark.

“That pedophile hit me in the arm with that goddamn flashlight.” “But I punched him in the face!” his wife would chime in. “I’m gunna kill that fag. I got a hurt arm… he… he broke my arm with that goddamn huge flashlight.” The monkeys squeaked back in response.

As usual our kind suggestions that they just go back to their camp and leave Joe to himself went unheeded. And just when things couldn’t get any… I’m running out of synonyms for stranger… guess who decided to stumble back? No, it wasn’t the bicycle girl unfortunately (oh, I didn’t tell you about her, did I? Too bad. That’s a more pleasant story). It was good old Joe “I’m a bull rider” Brick. Joe Brick… Joe… BRICK. joebrick. We’re so lucky. And by lucky I mean, in great danger of being killed.

So, lets take stock of where we are at them moment. Now, in the middle of our camp we have a very drunk, angry man with a freain’ huge tree in his good arm, a very excited not quite as drunk wife that’s known to punch, a very hillbilly mother, a man with a pit bull that likes to ask strangers for drugs (the man not the pit bull, although I’m sure the pit bull is no stranger to hallucinogenic), Joe Brick who may or may not have a gun but does have a coat full of beer cans, and monkey’s in our tree. (by the way, go back and replace the word “monkey” with “rat” and this will all make more sense. Monkey was used because we didn’t know how Steph would feel about sleeping under a tree full of rats. Oh, speaking of Steph, we taught Steph to chop would while we were camping [see picture]. All that chopping must have gone to here head because when Mark first showed up she found it necessary to try to grab the giant sequoia he was dragging. Guessing she just wanted more wood to chop.)

So, Joe’s back. Mark doesn’t like this. The next few days were spent convincing Mark that murdering Joe was not a good camping activity. Cards, checkers, campfire songs, Cribbage, even how many beers can a chug in one hour are good camping games. Killing people is not. For the first time things seemed to go our way as Mark’s three friends began to agree with us. With our help they were able to convince Joe it was best if he left and someone got Mark’s club into our fire. The first accomplishment was good, the second, not so good. As Joe journeyed on into the shadows, Mark had a sudden change of heart, grabbed the now flaming stick of death and made one last final charge. Now flaming sticks, tents, heads…. well pretty much any part of your body… don’t mix. There was a few brief seconds of fear while fire swirled through the sky and Mark yelled after the whimpering Joe, but good prevailed and the smoldering log found its home in our fire again. All is well and good in the world. Mama and pit bull man go home and Brian and Johnny agree to help Mark and his wife back to there camp.

So, somewhere around 12:30 the five of us find ourselves, alone, around our fire. Finally.

Are you ready for the encore?

A grungy figure in a flannel coat dashes out of the underbrush. Honestly, I’m pretty sure he came out of a pile of decaying leaves and poison oak.

“He’s gunna kill me!”

By now, we’re not even surprised. JP stumbles into our little circle.

“I just need to swish swish.” He makes a whooshing motion with his arm.

“What?”

Sheepishly he points to the tree by our tents and does his best to form a coherent sentence. This takes much longer then you’d expect. “I just need… hide… I was sleeping then… can I just sleep here?”

My first thought was hell no, luckily Johnny spoke before I did. So, we let JP huddle under his blanket next to our tree after assuring him that we wouldn’t let anyone know he was there. So JP slept soundly for the next few… heck, I really have no idea how long we left him back there. Eventually Johnny got him up and we guided him back in the direction of his truck. It took us quite a while to first explain that we didn’t want his truck, we wanted him to go to his truck and then to convince him his truck wasn’t parked in the middle of the creek behind our camp. But convince him we did and JP disappeared back into the underbrush… and as he did, I noticed for the first time he’d been sleeping right next to our axe. Comforting to know that had been back there the entire time we had a crazy stranger lying behind us.

It’s late. We need sleep. We go to bed. And just when it couldn’t get any…

The Hillbilly Wars

2005-10-12T16:40:00.000-07:00

Some stories are impossible to tell. This is one of them. At some point in your life you may find yourself trapped in a moment that is absurd, terrifying, and completely hilarious all at the same time. If you ever do, then you’ll get an idea of what I’m trying to tell you.

For the sake of brevity, (when you get done reading this you will think I have forgotten I was going to be brief, but believe me, this could be much longer) I will some up some vital information. First off, I went camping this weekend with Brian and Stephanie up by Santa Barbara. We went on Friday and planned on meeting Katie and Johnny Saturday. So this place is off in the middle of the hills north of Santa Barbara. We never thought we’d find it but somehow stumbled across it. And somehow Katie and Johnny found us the next day around 9:30pm. Another funny story but I don’t have time to tell it here. Ask one of us someday and we’d be happy to expound upon the things a skip over (such as the naked couple, bicycle girl [this has nothing to do with a real bicycle], and the cell phone hike).

To speed things up I’ll give you a quick overview of the characters involved.

Mark and Girl – we met this couple at the hot springs (not the naked couple, we left before these two got naked). They were both drunk and Mark had a hurt arm. Probably broken. At this point it was caused by falling down the hill. Later it would be from a Harley accident and later… well, I’ll get to that one. They seemed friendly and all. Just very drunk.

JP – my personal favorite. First met him while looking for the hot springs. Just kind of jumped out of the underbrush. We left him shoved under a pipe of hot water (he did it to himself). Later he jumps out of the trees by our camp yelling for help. Apparently fearing for his life. We pointed him in the direction of the ranger. He ran off like a scarred school boy.

Joe Brick – Originally we called him the back door guy. He’d been yelling all day (I really mean all day) about Fing people in the back door and people being fags and all that fun stuff. He constantly referred to us as the nice ladies.

Pit Bull Man – Has a pit bull. Asks for coke (He said he wanted some coke to do some lines. So unless he knows some line dance involving coca cola, I'm guessing he meant the drug). Seems like a nice guy.

So, Steph, Brian and I had been dealing with these people all day. They were drunk starting at 9:30 am. (We’ll that’s when we met the first drunk one at least) They were camped on both sides of us. Far off enough we couldn’t really see what they were doing but close enough to hear the Red Neck music. They kept mostly to themselves and other than JP, our only interaction was when they wondered from one camp to the other.

Crap. This story is long.

So, it’s dark. The five of us are gathered around our fire. This is when it becomes clear, too late, that our fire is about to attract some unwanted attention in the form of a dirty hillbilly in an oversized coat and hat named Joe Brick. He started out nice enough. Gave us some beers (the guys that is. Johnny did a pretty good job of keeping Katie in the shadows and somehow Joe didn’t seem to notice Steph for a while). So Mr. Brick continues to talk. Most of it making no sense. Johnny tried to find out where he lived. He flashed his light around a little and Brian deduced he meant he lived in the trees. Joe didn’t seem to think that was funny. Around this point it becomes clear he is upset with someone. From what we can tell it’s Mark, who’s been driving around in his very loud truck all day. This is the point where the conversation goes decidedly bad. Not bad like talking to the crazy homeless man in the parking lot after church but bad like getting our tongue stuck on a pole then realizing it’s about to rain razor blades.

Joe Brick looks right at Johnny and says, “I’m going to nock him out with this flash light, and I need you all to tie him up.”

He’s not joking. Johnny kindly tells him this probably isn’t a good idea while subtly preparing to take on good old Joe. It gets worse from here out. Apparently knocking out Mark isn’t going to be enough. It is now imperative that to protect the camp (oh yes, now Joe Brick is the ranger and this is his camp) we need to kill Mark. I’m pretty sure Johnny can take Mr. Brick out with one punch, something I can see him ready to do. All we need to see is a gun and this guy’s going down. Luckily, at the moment all he really wants is for us to promise to be his backup. In a round about way we sort of agree and Joe is off to war only to return a few minutes later with a bloody lip. Apparently Mark’s girl can punch. But Joe did get Mark in the arm with his mag light so, in his mind, he’s protected us. Joe moves off in the other direction. All is well.

You can stop reading with that ending if you’d like. For those of you who are really interested, I’ll be back in a few days with Part II – The Flaming Stick (subtitle the JP sleeps tonight)

Empire of the Bat

2005-10-07T12:20:00.000-07:00

A saw Empire of the Sun last night. Pretty good movie but it was odd for me in many respects. First off. For those of you that can't tell, that is Christian Bale aka Batman. Empire of the Sun was his first movie, and he's very young but still, he hasn't really changed much.

Now, that wasn't what was really odd. See, I thought I'd never seen this movie but as it went on I found every now and then I new exactly what was going to happen. And not just in the Michael Bay/Quentin Tarantino "I saw that coming" way, it became increasingly apparent that I'd actually seen this a very long time ago. Near the end I began seeing parts of the movie that have haunted me all my life.

Bale wondering through a "cemetery" of rich people's belongings, a floating suitcase, blood running down a sword into a mango. In fact, this movie is way for many years I couldn't eat mangos. Now I've finally found where these images came from. I know, I'm odd.

Anyway, the final oddity of this film is this:

Yup, Ben Stiller. He has a very very small role in this film. Taylor Diesel and I rewound the DVD (or research, whatever the heck it is) a few times when he came on. Then finally dismissed it as someone with an uncanny resemblance. But I checked in imdb today, and it is in fact Ben Stiller. Also, if you want to see something else odd I found this while looking for Ben Stiller pics.

odd

Sorry.

Oh, and don't bump up against clip lights.

I have a tenth degree burn on my back from one right now. Not fun. I had to sacrifice a bag of frozen peas for that. The lamp is no longer on my bed. Years of friendship ended in a split second.

So, that's all. Bye.

I'm alive

2005-10-04T19:06:00.000-07:00

First I'd like to thank Taylor for letting you all know about my not dying thing. I kind of forgot that I left off like that... sorry.

I thought I'd take this moment to say, sometimes I think Creative Bible Learning Activities for Children may not be the best way to teach our young ones about God. Really. Effeminate boys in tight pants and Jesus just don't mix.

All joking aside, I think our culture really needs to examine the way we bring the Bible to kids. If you water it down and cartoon it, it's going to be just another story.

Well, I'm going to see Serenity tonight with Timothy. Never thought I'd be saying that but I've read it's good... we'll see.

FIRE!

2005-09-29T17:22:00.000-07:00

Ok, so right now my front yard is on fire. Ok, not front yard but just over the hill. A number of my friends have had to leave their homes in the hands of LA FIRE. My roommate that's in LA FIRE may or may not be in the raging inferno... life is pretty much going fairly normal. For me that is. And as you can tell, not even a fire in my front yard is reason enough for me to put a shirt on. I did have pants on in this picture though, so you know this is a big deal.

Well, I'll leave yall with some pictures I took today. Pray that I don't have to evacuate. For once I am being serious. It is possible that I might have to leave. And that would suck.

UPDATE:

Ok, so thought I should update this post. Since this afternoon, as you can see, the fire is closer. Ash is everywhere and I think to myself, I think I should go now. So I throw my guitar stuff, photos, documents, computer, and some cloths and head to... Pepperdine! Yeah! Back. So anyway, here are some pics from right when I made this discussion. Have fun, I'll let you know if I die.

Ripping off T

2005-09-15T14:14:00.000-07:00

Well, it's always good to steel so...

inspired by my little bro, here's a look at people with my name:
Micah Kafka: 0 - yes, I am the only one. Well, at least on google. Another good reason to go by Micah
Aaron Kafka:

He's the new summer camp director of Camp Solomon Schechter. So, odd things here - he's not from the Midwest. CSS is in Washington as far as I can tell. And He's Jewish. So, probably not very closely related since the CO/NE Kafka's are all catholic or protestant. Or just crazy. Also has a sister named Tamar. Oddly enough from reading the article he sounded like a cool guy. Likes camping and all so can't be too bad.

Ok, this isn't a Kafka but this guy does compete against an Aaron Kafka. This Kafka's a rodeo guy that I guess does fairly well. Don't know enough about rodeo but he scores in the 80s range. That was better then other people I saw so at least he doesn't suck at it. Then again, there doesn't seem to be any pictures of him anywhere so I can't be great. Right? Anyway, he's from Powel, WY so that's not too far our stomping grounds. Might be a closer relative. This could be his email address "longcolt44@hotmail.com" He seems to make a lot of money as well.

Then there's an Aaron Kafka that owns some type of steamer busyness. He sits is here http://www.kafkastemmer.com/ but it's down right now.

Got another one. Not much information but he's some kind of troop leader for BSA Troop 429 in Omaha, NE. This is pretty much next door to out clan so he's probably some type of cousin or uncle.

I think Aaron is on the right. Not sure of the though. Depends on how well the University of Waterloo's school newspaper credits photos. So he goes to UW so he's probably from Canada. Sad. He's a 4A rec and business whatever that means. Also thinks he's very funny. Thinks sports bras would make men's Volleyball more exciting. Right now I'm just going to say he's probably the last Aaron Kafka I'd want to meet. And I'm really hoping I'm not related to him at all.

Anyway, so, I have email addresses for two of them and a phone number for the other... Not sure what good that does me but it might be kind of funny to email them. Unfortunately since I wouldn't get to see their reaction when they got the email it's not really worth it.

As for Aaron I'd most like to meet. I'd have to go with the rodeo guy. He is the most likely to have money. Maybe he'd buy me lunch or a horse. Second would go to Jewish Aaron. Sounds like he has a cool job and he's not from Canada. Wait... nope he is. Shoot. Ok, still going to have to pick him over Waterloo.

by the way, new online graphic, art, and photo portfolio on line now.

micahkafka.blogspot.com

check it out. Tell me what you think.

Dr. Pepper

2005-08-01T16:51:00.000-07:00

Well, I found out that Dr. Pepper is a laxative. No, that is not how I found out. I read it on the internet... so it must be true. I'd started expecting it was (won't tell you why) and thought I'd look it up. Now while I was looking for this I found something... else.

Now, while all the Dr. Pepper rip off are interesting, that's not really what interests me. What I noticed was the very strange facial hair. His side burns are on his neck. Not his face, his neck. Jeff here (if that is his night light) seems to be a little inept at shaving. But hey, he also keeps his cabinets full of soda cans and has a rainbow night light. I'm guessing the sideburns are the least of his issues. But he looks smug enough so I guess he's happy. We probably should just let him enjoy his Dr. Perfect and be happy for him. And I really shouldn't be the one talking, I have some nasty big chops and a fu manchu at the moment. But I'm only doing it because it's bad. Really.

Not me bu you get the idea. Kind of. Ok, nothing like that.

Who Would Kill Me

2005-07-17T16:36:00.000-07:00

I love the part of thrillers or murder mysteries where they ask someone the question, “Can you think of anyone that would want to kill you.” Then the person usually responds, “Who would want to kill me?” As if it’s never crossed their mind that someone out there might find the world a better place if they stopped breathing. Well, I came up with a great idea that might save some time if someone ever does. I’m making my list ahead of time. So here it is, a list of who might like to see me dead and the probability that they were the ones that did it. Morbid I know, but hey, you have morbid moods sometimes. I will refrain from using names because it would be a little odd for someone searching the internet for their name and finding it on a list like this. I know I’d be weirded out.

1. The jerk that tried to date all the girls in my youth group in one trip to Mexico. I successfully kept three of my friends from dating this guy and, unfortunately, he found out I was doing that. At the time I didn’t really mean to harm him, I was just looking out for my friends. I new his track record with girls and didn’t want him hurting them. He didn’t seem too happy when he found out though. But then again, I don’t even remember his name and last I heard he was in jail, so that does through a kink in things. Odds: 50/1 (by the way, there’s no mathematical formula in any of the odds, they’re pretty much random, but does express who is more likely) Oh yeah, he looks like the lead singer for Kutless.

2. GHS valedictorian for the class of 2000. While she did beat me in class rank, I got scholarships to Pepperdine and she didn’t. That is a sore spot but I was told she loved the school she ended up going to. On the downside I was somewhat involved in destroying her tent. Wasn’t my fault by a long shot though. Odds: 200/1

3. The 65 year old woman in a 22 year old guy’s body. This was one of my apartment mates my third year at Pepperdine. This guy was wound tighter then a… thing that’s wound very tight. This was at the height of my punk dies when I had blue hair and got the pirate earring. This guy hated me from the beginning for it. He was one of those very superior attitude guys. Thought he was the poster boy for maturity, like to look down his nose at you (even though he was very short) and was known for saying things like, “Have you ever tried… reading?” From day one anything that happened that he didn’t like was my fault and the other guys just let him go on believe it because they didn’t want him to turn on them. I put up with it ‘cause I didn’t mind him hating me. By the end he wouldn’t even look at me. Odds: 150:1 (it would be much higher but he couldn’t even kill a cockroach and if he was going to try I think he would have done it when he lived with me. Still, he could snap one day.)

4. President Elliott. I’ll actually use his name because it’s very well documented that he hates me and Lindsay Custer actually ran into him an Arkansas and confirmed that he still hates me. This guy was SGA president my third year at Pepperdine (a good year for making moral enemies {see number 3}). He was a very odd guy. Liked to wear fur coats in 70 degree weather and took ballet. Anyway, he ran on the platform that if we elected him, he’d bring Jimmy Eat World to Pepperdine. (I can hardly contain myself, J.E.W.!) Oh wow, unfortunate acronym… They probably shouldn’t use that. (Better then Friends University of Central Kansas though.) Where was I, oh right… Once he got elected he reneged on his promise to bring Jimmy Eat World. So, I was the cartoonist for the Pepperdine Graphic at the time and made a nice politicalish cartoon making fun of his campaign strategies. Well... he hated it and cried about it in front of an all school assembly (That was funny). And then tried to get me fired (not funny). I kept my job and he lost what little popularity he had with the student body. The funny thing is, he hates me but really has no idea what I look like and has actually been quite friendly to me in person (since he didn’t no it was me). That takes the chances down, but I’m sure he could find out what I look like easily enough and I hear he is back in LA. Then again, he likes ballet and is much smaller then me. I'm guessing it would be an unsuccessful attempt.

Odds: 10/1

5. Mr. No ID. Right after my third year at Pepperdine I life guarded for the pool here. We had a policy of no Pepperdine ID no entry. We let it slide for a while until our boss started cracking down. Anyway, this one guy came with his two girls quite a bit and never, ever brought his ID. If we asked him for it he’d just yell, “I WORK HERE.” And stop off. On my last day he gets all upset because some kid through a ball in the pool and it splashed his little girl. (little girls that we had to constantly get out of the hot tub since he would not watch them. Also against the rules). I won’t go into all the other rules he’d break, but lets just say we had a history of run ins with this guy. So… the ball. He comes over and starts yelling at me for not kicking the kids out for throwing a ball. I inform him it’s not against the rules and he then goes into a 15 minute rant (not exaggerating, I actually timed it) on how I didn’t do my job. I really didn’t care since it was my last day anyway. (Funny thing is someone actually called Public Safety to tell them a Middle Eastern man was trying threatening the life guards) Anyway, this all reaches a boiling point when he starts yelling, “DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?” (Apparently he’s some school big shot) and I reply, “No, sr., you’ve never brought your ID.” That was a bad idea. The rant went on another 10 minutes then he stormed off. After that he always brought his ID. Odds: 40/1 (He has a lot to lose and he is very small.)

6. The soccer mom’s of Malibu, theater patrons and that guy in the mini van. I’ve made a lot of enemies working for Public Safety. I’ve been told I’m a horrible person and been accused of trying to kill someone’s grandma. All of these because I actually try to do my job correctly. Oh well, I’m almost done with it. (I’ll have to find something to top my last day at the pool…) However, most of these people never actually look at me, I mean, how often to you really remember what a security guard looks like? And I’m sure once they leave campus they forget about me. Odds: 300/1

7. A religious fanatic. If you know me well you know what that is all about. Odds: 299/1 (I don’t thin they condone killing)

8. Ryan Russell. Old friend of mine from church camp. He almost took my eye out with cutter bug spray. I had to get stitches on my eyebrow. Funny story, ask me about it if you’ve never heard it. I try not to tell it too often though. I don’t what to be like the tuna fish guy in Huckabees. Ryan would never try to kill me, but I really think if anyone was to accidentally kill me it would be him, even though I haven’t seen him since high school and have no idea where he is. Odds: 30/1

9. My first girlfriend’s almost boyfriend. I once (in jr. high) “went out” with a girl purely to keep her from “going out” with a guy that I didn’t like. Not a high point of my life. That guy wasn’t too happy, but again, no idea what his name is anymore and I’m almost positive he doesn’t remember me. Odds: 250/1

10. President Benton (Pepperdine’s president). This is a big stretch. I doubt he’d kill anyone. I am partly responsible for some of his personal strife. I let Chris Graue involve him in some hidden camera bits for the Randumb Show. For the record, I never thought Benton would end up interacting with Chris and I’m very sorry if he was offended or even inconvenienced. Sorry. Odds: 1000000/1

11. Enemies of the naked run. I liked to participate in the streaking tradition at Pepperdine and there happens to be a number of people that aren’t fond of this piece of Pepperdine history and they have been getting quite militant in their attempts to stop it. Kind of odd that some students are that passionate about it, but they have drawn blood on a few occasions. Although I am done with Pepperdine, it’s possible that they may try to track down past participants. Odds: 19:1 (They are very, very militant)

12. Cosom. Creepy little kid I once new. No real substantial reason but I always felt like he wanted to kill me. Odds: 3/1

who'd of thunk it

2005-06-20T14:18:00.000-07:00

Well, every once in a while it's good to know that an x-con x-underwear model x-crappy hip-hop "musician" can prove me wrong. I just saw I Heart Huckabees this weekend and came to the realization, Mark Wahlberg is actually a good actor. When I first saw that Marky Mark was crossing over into the acting world why back in... I don't know.

It was before The Perfect Storm though. Anyway, when I saw that I was sure this would be about as successful as Shaq's Kazaam (or Steel take your pick). Well, after Perfect Storm I was surprised that he didn't actually suck but wasn't ready to start throwing golden statues at him. That's a good thing by the way, you want golden statues thrown at you. Then Planet of the Apes and the Italian Job cemented my feelings that he was a good action guy but should steer clear of anything with substance. Again, I was wrong. I Heart Huckabees proves to me that x-Marky Mark is actually a good actor. That's all.

So, besides that. Check out the movie if you aren't turned off by gratuitous profanities. They go a little overboard with them. One character seems to have tourettes when he gets mad. But if you can make it through the first three seconds of the movie that's the worst of it. Over all, the movie is great. Makes you think a lot. For those that have seen it I found the scene with the Pop Christian family very thought provoking. To sum it up it portrays Christians as environmental hating capitalists. I really think this is a telling stereotype that we really need to address. I've found myself drifting closer to environmental issues through my time in California and it is one thing I wish Christians would look into more. The scene is way over the top and comical in a painful way.

So to end this, because it needs to be over now... if you see the movie, call me or email me. I'd like to talk about it and try riding your bike to work. And turn the lights off when you leave the house. And don't run with scissors. This could happen.

I by that a mean you could end up looking like an idiot on the internet. Bet you thought I was going to say this:

But I didn't.

shoot. I really did stop but then I found this so I had to come back an edit this post.

"There are a few Points of Interest along I-70, such as the enormous replica of Van Gogh's "Sunflowers" that can be seen from the highway in Goodland. The painting is on a huge easel that is taller than the surrounding buildings, and its presence completely throws off the scale of things, much as if you were to look into an ant farm and see a fingernail-sized Margaret Thatcher. There is also the World's Largest Prairie Dog, which is actually an enormous cement statue in a barn. As if that were not enough, this roadside attraction also boasts a living six-legged steer and a shop selling homemade rattlesnake jewelry."
http://sixmonthsofsolitude.org/blog/category/smos/travel

and

"The easel is so big, the painting up so high, and the surrounding land so flat, that it is hard to get the right sort of perspective in photographs. There’s not much that can be done for that, so we recommend an addition. We think that lying on the ground in the field in front of the painting should be a giant ear, maybe ten feet long (an ear to the scale of the painting would only be about three feet long). Something that can be climbed on (or in) would make for a better snapshot.

A visit to Goodland also offers a chance to see a replica of the World’s First Patented Helicopter. It is only a replica, however, because the original was destroyed in its failed maiden attempt, and the patent arrived after the pieces had been sold for scrap. And back in 1976, the International UFO Reporter noted that space aliens had abducted two Goodland residents — but there is no memorial to the event. Clearly, the painting is the big draw."
http://www.roadsideamerica.com/attract/KSGOOeasel.html

Elsewhere it's call'd the "ultimate tourist trap." Good to know this investment it still bringing in the $$$. Actually, none of these people even went into Goodland. They just laughed and drove on.

yeah

2005-06-18T19:41:00.000-07:00

I was going to tell you all about the frustrating TV shows taping on campus. Right now Zoey 101 season 2 is shooting and Battle of the Network Reality Stars just wrapped. While it seems like it would be kind of cool having this going on really it just sucked. The track, rec field, and pool where all closed and annoying reality "stars" and kid actors are everywhere. I'm not sure which are worse. Highlight: watching one of the reality woman smoking while running. Never seen that before. She was warming up for her next event and guess didn't think she'd have time to get a smoke in before they started shooting. Still, is a little warm up jog going to help when you’re filling your lungs with smoke? Also, to ruin the ending for all of you, green and red teams loose.

Anyway, no job, no home, and I have to pay loans off in a few months. Yah! I'll leave you with this.

Baywatch, the A's and the White Power Ranger

2005-06-09T21:46:00.000-07:00

Ok, so, life isn’t really normal. I remembered that as a found myself belaying Pepperdine’s star first base man/stopper (number one NCAA stopper in the nation) up the famous ape wall.

Now, to get the picture, you have to know that this guy is at least three inches taller than me and a good sixty pounds heavier. For those of you that haven’t climbed before, the person belaying is the counter weight for the guy on the wall, so if he falls, you are all that stops him from breaking his neck. So my skill is the only thing that keeps him alive. NOTE: this is only the fourth time I’ve belayed. So, yeah, I’m stupid.

Anyway, that’s not even the real reason my life isn’t normal. Today, while on the way to get the best breakfast burritos in town, my friend Steve Kleen (from the aforementioned climbing story) gets a call from a friend, Greg, asking him to come visit him before Kleen takes off from Pepperdine (he just got drafted by the A’s so he had to take off). --- skip this if you don’t care about a off topic Finch story -- On the way there Kleen notices I’m listening to the new Finch CD and tells me he went to high school with those guys. In fact at one point Finch tried to steel Kleen’s ban’s name, numb, --- back to story ---. So, Greg as it turns out is the producer of Baywatch.

Yes, Pamela Anderson, David “Germany loves me” Hasselhoff. Baywatch. So I spent the morning hanging out in the home of the mind behind the “terrible show” (quote from Christina Miller). I personally love it. Actually, I never saw it. But all I have to say is Greg is the most in shape guy over 40 I’ve ever met. Dude, he paddles to Catalina and back. Really great guy. Probably the most down to earth hollywood guy I've ever met. Ok, very close with the X-files guy but still, that's good. So, that’s how I spent my morning.

Oh yeah. Also found out that one of my friends was a power ranger as a child. Guess they turned into kids at one point and he was “Young Tommy”. Next time I see him I think I’ll beat him up for that.

One in the middle. Michael R. Gotto

And then to top it all off… you know what, you’ll have to come back for that but here is a preview of coming attractions.

One last thing. Again. Ok, just saw Good Will Hunting again. Great movie. Despite the fact that Ben Affleck is in it. I guess this one his perfect roll really. The stupid, slightly annoying side kick. I can just imagine what it was like on the set. "Ok, Ben, just stand in the corner and try not to ruin the movie. No, put down the J. Lo. Bad, Ben, bad." Anyway, he's right up there with my top ten least favorite actors. Close to Adam "I'm sleazy in person" Sandler.

Superman... I think

2005-04-22T13:21:00.000-07:00

Ok, there isn't much to say here. I'll I really have to do is post an image. Try not to laugh yourself to death.

All hope for this movie is gone. Case closed. The only question is, how can we stop it? This movie must not make it into theaters. Please, just stop now while Superman still has a little shred of dignity.

Kappa Kappa Kappa

2005-03-28T09:38:00.000-08:00

Ok, so this is going to be short because I should be in class, but for some odd reason this morning I was thinking, "I wonder what I'd find if I searched for Kappa Kappa Kappa." Now I don't normally think about things like this meaning fraternity or white power related subjects, but today it just came to me and I had to do it. So, I search for it and what do I find?

Now, my first thought was, "This is a joke." But as a read the page I realized it's not a joke. This is an actual fraternity. Apparently the boys of Tri-Kappa in Dartmouth haven't realized the incredibly... unfortunate nature of their greek letters. Now, I also had the notion that maybe this is just the fraternity for racist white people but I'm thinking that's not the case... take this intramural soccer team pic:

So, I know that tradition and all that crap is very important for greek people, but come on? Couldn't you just change one of those letters?

Note: This is not the only "tri-kappa" I found. Here is a partial list.

http://www.tri-kap.com/

http://www.iusb.edu/~sbspea/kappakappakappa.htm

http://www.trikappa.org/

Frank Forgive Me

2005-03-09T00:02:00.000-08:00

Ok, so I'm going to leave this vague because it may have been illegal. So here it goes. Me and friend one and friend two are driving to an undisclosed location. If you want more exact information on this I'll tell you I just think it's best to not do that online. You'll see why. So we're driving and there are many many rabbits. Rabbits like to run in front of cars and then jump back and forth frantically and then... at the last second, dart away into the dark. But every once in a while they don't quite make it. And this was one of these times. Now, we didn't quite run over thumper, he more of jumped into the tire. We almost didn't notice it. Then, as we drive on our conversations goes something like this.

Did we hit that?

I think so.

We hit something?

I rabbit. I think we just hit it's head.

I bet it's still in one peace.

(pause)

I've heard rabbit tastes good.

Want to go back and get it?

So this didn't seem odd at the time. We turn around and there in the middle of the road is the rabbit. He looks like he's in one piece. So we get out and take a look. He is very dead but not smashed like you'd think it would be. He chins a little bloody and blood is running out of his ears but other than that, he looks pretty good.

Are we really going to take it with us? - Friend two

I run to the car and grab a plastic bag. Throw the rabbit in and off we go. It's something about my Donnie Darko jacket. It makes me do things. Once we get to our camp friend two starts the fire while friend one and I gut the rabbit. Now I mostly just hold the flashlight while he does the honors. He's a bio guy and knows this kind of stuff. I do provide the knife and rubber gloves. I'm odd, I have rubber gloves in my car at all times. You never know when you might have to do CPR or die someone’s hair or investigate alien puke... or gut a rabbit. Anyway, we do this get it all nice and clean, take it to the camp, throw it on the fire and a few hours later enjoy the best tasting rabbit meat I've ever had (ok, only rabbit meat, but it was really really good. Didn't even need salt). It finally struck us as kind of odd that we were doing this as we picked the little guy apart on the grill. I have pictures I'll share with you someday but maybe not on here.

So what possessed us to do this? I'd like to think it's just because we are manly men and that's what we do. We hunt (even if we hunt with a car) and we eat. That's life, son, that's life. But, really, I'm beginning to think that it's something else. I think it's Frank. This is Frank.

Well, not really. But that’s what he looks like on the cover of Donnie Darko. This is also Frank.

If you haven’t seen Donnie Darko nothing that happens after this will seem miraculous. (and if you aren’t familiar with the Christmas Carol that line won’t be funny either). You see he's this really creepy dead rabbit man thing. Now, Jos... friend two and I had just so happened to watch Donnie Darko a few days before. This creepy little Frank rabbit guy sort of haunts Donnie throughout this movie. Now, is it a coincidence that while we're driving down a dark road while I'm wearing my Donnie Darko jacket we would just happen to hit a rabbit? I mean, we ran over it. Ran over it, just like… right… got it now? Sorry if you haven't seen the movie... this would make sense if you had. So for those of you that have seen the movie. It all just falls together. We had to eat the rabbit. Frank made us do it.

Micah Kafka

ok, really, even if you have seen the movie, that doesn't all just fall in place but come on. I ate road kill. I have to defend myself.

This Semester Hates Me

2005-03-07T18:11:00.000-08:00

So, it's March. The year's just starting. I'm winding down college, preparing for graduation. I just got done with a great visit from my cousin Alisha and preparing for one from my good friends Ian, Britni and Anna (and hopefully Matt Beaver soon). So why would this semester hate me? I will tell you. Since that fateful changing of years, I have caught pneumonia from a Hindu temple and poison oak from the Mohave desert. Yes, you read the correctly. Ok, maybe not exactly like that. The pneumonia is old news so I'll just gloss that over by saying I came down with pneumonia while I was visiting a Hindu temple for my religions of the world class. Although I didn't get it from the temple, I will (unfortunately) associate pneumonia with Hinduism. So I can say I'm fairly sure I'll never convert to that religion... but now I'm off the topic. I do that a lot. You should read my religions of the world essays, or any essay I've written in the last three years. They go everywhere. But, right, the poison oak. So I'm in the Mohave desert, miles and miles away from any poison oak, poison ivy, poison sumaksons... don't know how to spell that one... so miles away from any of that crap and, "oh, what's this?" I have some bumps on my arm that look very much like what I've seen after frolicking in a field of poison ivy (I seemed to do that quite often as a child). But that must not be it. I'm in the freakin' desert. So a ignored it. (bad idea one) The next morning, wow, it's not just on my arm anymore... it's... well everywhere. So I show this to my friends Josh Lockrow and Brian (don't know his last name. I've only known him since Thursday night... well, I guess I never even found out his name until after midnight so since Friday morning [Josh is not so good at introducing people]) so I'm showing this to them, not that I could hide it since it is EVERY FREAKIN' WHERE and they agree that's what it is alright. I'm so confused... then I remember something. I have this nice Donnie Darko style jacket that I tend to wear when it rains (not that it's one bit waterproof but it has a hood). I wore this nice happy jacket while hiking with Alisha and Josh in Kanan. Kanan is known for it's treacherous poison oak. Now, I hadn't really been wearing the jacket much and at one point even hung it on a fallen tree branch. So then time passes, Friday comes and... oh, it might rain in the desert, I better take my nice happy jacket. But this little evil poison oak oil decides it should come to. So then when for some ungodly reason it rains the entire time we're in the DESERT I put on this little Donnie Darko jacket and HAPPY DAY the poison oak finds a home. Yippy.

So that is why this semester hates me.

I am Micah

2005-02-26T19:25:00.000-08:00

yup. That's about it. Someday I'll give you something interesting to read here, but not today. I'll tell you great stories about killing chickens, fighting lice in Panama, setting my friend on fire and growing up in a church building that used to be a mortuary. All true, and usually not exagerated.